I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
We have started to decorate penises.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
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