Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
tell me about the eggs
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
