I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Every concussion has its silver lining
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
