Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
