do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
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