1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
