In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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