How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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