there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
