You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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