dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
