I wanna bring you to show and tell
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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