This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
