You're so nebulous sometimes
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
sarcasm needs its own font
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just want nice things and good sex
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize
