SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
