I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize