Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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