in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
