yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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