it wasn't lemon gatorade
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have fence marks all over my body
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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