Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
Farmville is her only friend.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize