Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
