Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
