will power is for people who don't want to get laid
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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