I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
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