Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
