he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
