I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Randomize
