Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
