I think I just saw someone hide a body.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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