also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize