I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
you will always have a special place in my vag
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Randomize
