I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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