just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
