brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
We left an ass print on the piano.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Randomize
