don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
