K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He told me they were just razor bumps!
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
