im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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