I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
