Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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