I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
