some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
