Dude my mom stole all your condoms
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
