Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
