i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
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