I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
