who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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