My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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