hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
i think my mom watched the whole time
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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