man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
