I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
