Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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