Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Randomize
