she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Randomize
