The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
