Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
