My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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