my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Sacagawea was the original milf.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
