dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
